Sunday, April 1, 2012


Yes, today being the first day of April that can only mean that testing season is just around the corner. The crack team has been hard at work through intermediaries to get a preview of the upcoming standardized tests for grades 3-8 and just several hours ago all Math and ELA tests have fallen in the crack team's laps. We here at SBSB feel that we have a fiduciary responsibility to not only breach test security, but to share some of the more interesting problems on both tests. However, we do have journalistic integrity as well as a strong sense of ethics and while the problems will be published we feel, and at the advice of counsel, that the answers will not be published.

Diane Ravitch wrote a great piece in today's Daily News about the words that will not be allowed in the state exams. We here at SBSB found out the reason why. The tests will be Michael Bloomberg centric. There won't be enough room for the words being banned. The test, as is everything, is about Michael Bloomberg.

So sit back and enjoy, and do share with that special student in your life, a brief preview of the upcoming 2012 Math and ELA New York State Exams.

8th Grade Math; Probability.

Principal Jones at PS 897 has exposed his private parts to his staff during staff meetings. He in the past has also shared how he would like to have relations with a fish and has shown fish porn to several female staffers. Principal Jones has also appeared naked on his Facebook page and has been caught once in the office in an intimate act with a donut on more than one occasion. Many staffers have reported him to SCI, OSI, 311, and the media. All charges have been confirmed by SCI. Michael Bloomberg will hold a press conference and insist that he:

A. Immediate termination
B. Be removed as principal and promoted with requisite pay raise.
C. Findings passed along to the local district attorney's office.
D. Be shamed by New York Post and all News Corporation holdings.

Grade 4 ELA

In the passage, "Michael Bloomberg, America's New God," several important facts about Michael Bloomberg were shared. Please, in your own words create a graphic organizer and several strands how you praise Michael Bloomberg and why. Please be sure to use correct grammar, punctuation, and most importantly, when referring to Michael Bloomberg with the pronoun "he" be sure to use an uppercase H.

Grade 8 Math.

Please explain in your own words how Michael Bloomberg uses quantum physics to change reality to how he sees it.

Grade 3 Math

Cathie Black, the former NYC DOE chancellor enjoyed a good gin and tonic. She likes to have 3 gin and tonics an hour. If Cathie Black started drinking gin and tonics at 8 PM the night Michael Bloomberg offered her the chancellor's job, and was on her 8th one when she was asked that question, at what time approximately was she asked to be chancellor?

A. 8:15 PM
B. 10:40 PM
C. Midnight
D: None of the above

8th grade ELA

God is to Jesus as Michael Bloomberg is to_________________
Moses is to the Jews as Michael Bloomberg is to____________
Reality is to Michael Bloomberg as Reality is to ______________

5th grade Math

Using the following proven formula for using value added measurements; 3√∗∛45≤45∂∏-456+46.90∠90±√234=
Use this formula to come up with a proper VAM of Michael Bloomberg's role as the education mayor. No need to worry. Just make shit up. They did with teachers.

8th grade ELA

In the listening passage, "Mike ❤'s Eva" what was Eva's big mistake?

A. Eva didn't get enough money from Mike
B. Eva only wanted to co-locate in 25 schools in the upcoming school year
C. Eva agreed to a 5% vig off the top to Michael Bloomberg in all Title I monies
D. Both Michael Bloomberg and Eva came to the conclusion that there are more ways to screw the parents and children of NYC.

That's all for now. Remember, no teaching or learning between now and the end of April. Everything is for the test.


Chalk Duster said...

Well, that made me giggle.

my child is NOT a test score said...

Even more brilliant than usual! Thanks for the April Fool of FOOLS @ DOE!